“My four-year old daughter is just learning to write words.  She can look at a word and write it on her own.  Pretty remarkable to see.  Makes me so happy.  The only thing is when she writes a word the letters don’t justify left and read right like you or I would write.  Her letters are all over the page and look more like art.  The letters are usually all there, even in a long sentence.  For example, the other day she realized that she didn’t get a b-day present from her grandfather.  So she asked me to help her write a letter.  It read, “Yo POPs send my present”.  He will most likely not be able to decipher the message.  Should I try to encourage her to write in lines left to right or just let her learn on her own?”   Jason, Ithaca, NY

Jason,

First of all, I hope your daughter’s grandfather eventually gets the message and sends her a present.  But let’s look at the question. It’s terrific she is writing, and the last thing you want to do is stymie that exploration by setting strict rules. We as adults often forget that learning anything involves many steps, just like a ladder. We can make the mistake of seeing where she is headed to and become anxious that she hasn’t reached her destination. Step by step. So she is on the step in which she has recognized that letters make up words and that words communicate ideas and that she can write her ideas down.

I would introduce her to notes, letters, postcards or even emails that you or she have received from friends where the writing goes from left to right.  Use some of her favorite books as examples as well.  Don’t make too big a deal of it, but just help her to recognize that this is the way many adults or grown-ups write.  Second, I might get her a note pad with those big lines for beginner writers like this  with a space for a picture on top.  But don’t push it too much. Her next step might also come the next time she wants a message to copy. She’ll let you know. Or, you can say it’ll be easier to read if it’s all in a line. You can also play some games with word blocks. Put the letters that spell cat on the table. All these letters spell cat, but for someone to read them they have to be in order. Games that use the skills she has already learned.You don’t want to take the joy out of her writing if these things are too tough for her, and inventive spelling and this type of exploration are natural for her age.  Good luck, and let us know how this works out.

Don’t help so much that your kid depends on you for getting the job done.  But don’t help so little that you see them struggle so much that they’re crying every night.

Now for specific subjects:  If they are working on math problems, let them try different strategies and experiment to see of they can find the solution on their own.  If they are writing a poem or a short essay, provide them the space to develop some of their ideas or to be creative independently of you.  Then if they come to you with a few questions, give them a hand.  That is a great way to support your child.  But make sure your child still feels ownership of the work.  That way the teacher can then use the homework as part of their system, assessing what your child might need help with and what they understand. If you do their homework for them, this provides the teacher with no information and doesn’t teach your third grader anything about responsibility, which is the main reason I assign homework in the first place.

A good rule of thumb:  always check over the homework.  Make sure your child put some effort into their work and that it shows.

Rylon,

First, let me reassure you.  Scuffles and disagreements are not uncommon at schools. Here are some ideas if as a parent you feel helpless as to what you can do help your child avoid conflict.

Reassure your child that you will help them to develop the skills necessary to resolve issues at school. Even if they are the cause, your kid needs to know that these are learning situations and that there are ways to avoid conflict.  Then talk to your kid and find out exactly what happened or is happening.   Is it with one kid? Is it during a specific game or activity?  Did they tell an adult when it happened?  And what did they do?

If they haven’t told an adult, that’s their first step.  If they have done this and nothing happened, then you need to speak with your child’s teacher. 

Explain what you heard from your child and is there something that can be done.  Remember, although we all want to believe that each and every child is perfect and tells the whole honest truth, sometimes stories are exaggerated or kids fill in areas that they can’t quite remember (just like adults).  See what the teacher says and listen to what they plan to do.  And let them do it.  Give them some time to figure it out.

If the conflict is happening in class, find out specifically what the teacher is thinking of doing. Some things I do are:

-       Conflict Resolution Conference with the children involved

-       Change children’s seats or work areas so they are far away from each other

-       Set up a play date in class during recess or another quiet time so your child can play quietly with another child to either rebuild a friendship or have some time away from the conflict to regain confidence and feel safe

In my experience, most scuffles happen on the playground at recess.  So here is what can be done in that situation:

Your child needs to tell their teacher.  It’s great when children learn that they can speak up for themselves.  Of course, if your child feels uncomfortable, then you must tell the teacher.  The teacher can then speak with the adults in-charge at recess, the other child involved, and begin to get the bottom of the issue. 

Now here’s your role. See what the teacher can do to change the situation. Many teachers are great at finding out what happened and resolving a conflict quickly.  You need to give them a day or two to figure things out. The classroom teacher is often not on the playground so we get information second hand. And remember that people on yard duty are usually watching over 100 kids.  

If you feel your child’s safety is a concern when they are at recess, then tell the teacher our specific concern and ask that your child not go to recess. They can go to another class, stay in their own class if the teacher is there or spend some time in a guidance counselor’s office or the main office with some drawing stuff, a book, something so they know they are not being punished. But don’t let your kid get hassled every day.

If there is no change or you feel that you are being ignored, then go to the principal. But remember, going above your child’s teacher’s head is only a last resort. It is important to involve the teacher first.  If you feel it is necessary to go to the principal let the teacher know. Here’s an example:

“I see that you are really trying to help the situation out, but it appears that you have your hands full.  I’m going to let the principal know that you are working on it, but that you might need a little extra support.” 

That will help to include the teacher in the process as well as get the bottom of the issue fast.

Hope this helps.

Its very important to consider that your daughter probably feels sad and confused by the reaction she is eliciting from others.  Does she express her feelings to you?

In a sensitive way, help your daughter express her feeling and help her try to understand the feelings of others.  Try a few role play activities to help her experience in a safe environment the types of feelings that her peers might be experiencing while interacting.  Having an open dialogue about your child’s feeling and the feelings of others will help your daughter.

Often the most effective social skills intervention is given immediately after (and/or during) an awkward or difficult social interaction. Stick around during one or two play dates and intervene when you see something going away.  This will provide your her with immediate feedback and help her to become more conscious of her actions.  If you wait too long after the incident, your child may forget.  Help them to realize what just happened so they can begin to change their own behavior the next time it happens. Don’t fix the problem but guide your daughter to help fix the situation herself.  Later when you are alone, you can discuss the incident and help her to understand how the other child was feeling at the time.

Remember…this is a process.  Do not expect to see change overnight.  Small changes over time will result in large changes.

For more tips from J. David Carr, watch an interview with him about discipline and expectations in the home.

Michael,

 Thanks for your question. I can respond to this from a teacher’s point of view, but I think I’d like to invite School Psychologist J. David Carr to chime in as well. We are going to respond together.

 First, we need more information.  You need to act as a detective. Speak to your child and get some clarification about their boredom.  Why are they bored? What do they think being bored means?  Have them name some activities that they do in school that they do not identify as “boring”. Try to get your child to look at what they do enjoy in school. Also, speak to your child’s teacher to get a better understanding of his or her classroom behavior. Are they doing the work?  Spacing out? Isolated?  Not challenged?

 Many times a child is bored at school because they are not socially engaged.  An example of this is if a kid goes to school and does their work but does not have a good play partner, school can turn into “all work and no play.”  A young child can identify that as “boring”.

 If your child identifies social difficulties, like no friends, it might be a good idea to set up a play-date within the confines of school.  You can ask the teacher if your child can pick someone they want to play with during a recess play-date or, if it is okay with the teacher, have a play-date in the classroom at recess, where they can play in a quieter environment and develop a friendship, without the distraction of other children.  I do this all the time for students who I feel need a little jumpstart to creating friendships and it works very well.

 If your child identifies the academic work as boring, speak to their teacher and find out what subject area or work they find boring.  Sometimes the work might be too easy and the teacher can help by varying instruction. The work might also be too challenging and they are not able to engage.  They might need added assistance to meet academic goals.  It is common for children to claim something is boring because they have no purchase in the academic work because it is so far above their head.

 But at this point, the most important thing to do is get more information.  Find out why your child is bored and identify activities in school that your child does not consider “boring”.  This will help you and your child’s teacher to effectively intervene.  And let us know how it goes.

Erika,

This is a great question and one that many parents and teachers struggle with.  J. David Carr will chime in on this answer as well. 

An interest in death at this age is appropriate.  First, be honest with your child.  Avoiding the conversation will cause confusion and will often encourage the child to believe things that aren’t true.  We want to avoid misunderstandings. 

Start by acknowledging the worry, fear or question.  Don’t avoid it. Tell them, “I understand you have been thinking about this.” Then get more information from your child. “What makes you think about this?” Find out what they understand about it up to this point so you know how to structure the conversation.  This will help you to understand what they know and what they are able to comprehend, developmentally.  For example, if your child says, “My flower dried up and disappeared. Does that mean it’s dead?” Use that as a cue to where to start the conversation. Explain the fact that flowers, like humans, don’t live forever.

Address the fact that every living thing has a life span. In the classroom, many teachers use plants as a starting point to the discussion, as per the example above.  The plant dies, and doesn’t come back. This is a potentially difficult area for some kids- that when something dies it does not return.  Also, this shows that usually things die when they are old, like most people. This brings in the discussion of a life span, which is important for a child to understand. Reassure them you don’t think you or I are going to die any time soon.  That people, like animals, live out their life span. 

In the past, I have had class pets die, like a frog or butterfly.  This was tough for my class of first grade students, but it provided an opportunity to discuss life and death, and the fact that all things alive will eventually die.  

Many people also ask about the involvement of religion: each parent must use their religion as they see fit. 

And to summarize, it is important to be sure it is a conversation. That you inquire about what questions your child has and you follow their lead. Don’t expose them to too much at once- this might be overwhelming. And it’s totally natural that your child feels a little scared during and after the conversation.  Most adults feel the same way when discussing death. 

We also found this article online that might offer some different advice.  Please click here to read it. http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/0_how-to-talk-to-your-kindergartner-about-death_67095.pc

We hope this helps.

Thank you for your question.  Many parents will be navigating this very issue over the coming months as this time is key in the planning for both families and schools.

In general, children who receive special education services as pre-schoolers are typically re-evaluated to determine which services will be necessary for Kindergarten.

The re-evaluation doesn’t always include new testing.  In many cases the previous testing is sufficient and no new testing is necessary.  Previous testing (date of testing, assessments used, recommendations offered) as well as any unanswered questions regarding the appropriate educational environment for your child really drive the process.

Each school district has its own policy in this area and it is best to consult with a school psychologist in your district/school to get specific information that will apply to your child.  Regardless of whether your child is tested again or not, this process can be very helpful and you might gain a better understanding of the expectations and requirements of the new class your child will be entering in September.

Good luck and if you have any more questions please let me know.

J. David Carr

Notify your teacher at your child’s school. Tell them of the social situation and the discomfort it is causing your child and you.  See if they can keep them separated during the day – in different work groups, and maybe at different tables or desks so your child can get some breathing room.

Also encourage your daughter to become friends with other kids in a different social group. Your child’s teacher can help facilitate that by setting up a playdate during recess. This can provide them with the opportunity to develop a relationship with other kids, so your child has an “out” from the group in which the “annoying girl” is a part.

Francis,

Great question, Richard.  This is a tricky one.  When I taught first grade, I always checked to see when children were born to see if they were older or younger than the average age of the class, usually a group of kids who were born in March through July.  It is true, that at the young age of four or five, and even on up through the grades, maturity and physical and intellectual development can be significant even by a difference of a few months.

It really comes down to this: do you think your child is ready and mature enough to be in a school environment?  Are they able to perform activities in groups and independently? Are they developing friendships?  Are they physically a lot smaller than the other kids going on the Kindergarten?  Do they enjoy school?  Has the Pre-k or nursery school they are in become too easy for them? Have they intellectually outgrown it?  These are the questions you should be asking yourself to see if your child is ready for the next grade.  After asking yourself these questions, trust your intuition. You will be a good judge of what is right for your kid.

I hope that helps.