Q: “My four and a half year old keeps asking me about death. He is really worried about it and my husband and I don’t know whether to ignore it or address it, and if we do, what should we say?”
A:Erika,
This is a great question and one that many parents and teachers struggle with. J. David Carr will chime in on this answer as well.
An interest in death at this age is appropriate. First, be honest with your child. Avoiding the conversation will cause confusion and will often encourage the child to believe things that aren’t true. We want to avoid misunderstandings.
Start by acknowledging the worry, fear or question. Don’t avoid it. Tell them, “I understand you have been thinking about this.” Then get more information from your child. “What makes you think about this?” Find out what they understand about it up to this point so you know how to structure the conversation. This will help you to understand what they know and what they are able to comprehend, developmentally. For example, if your child says, “My flower dried up and disappeared. Does that mean it’s dead?” Use that as a cue to where to start the conversation. Explain the fact that flowers, like humans, don’t live forever.
Address the fact that every living thing has a life span. In the classroom, many teachers use plants as a starting point to the discussion, as per the example above. The plant dies, and doesn’t come back. This is a potentially difficult area for some kids- that when something dies it does not return. Also, this shows that usually things die when they are old, like most people. This brings in the discussion of a life span, which is important for a child to understand. Reassure them you don’t think you or I are going to die any time soon. That people, like animals, live out their life span.
In the past, I have had class pets die, like a frog or butterfly. This was tough for my class of first grade students, but it provided an opportunity to discuss life and death, and the fact that all things alive will eventually die.
Many people also ask about the involvement of religion: each parent must use their religion as they see fit.
And to summarize, it is important to be sure it is a conversation. That you inquire about what questions your child has and you follow their lead. Don’t expose them to too much at once- this might be overwhelming. And it’s totally natural that your child feels a little scared during and after the conversation. Most adults feel the same way when discussing death.
We also found this article online that might offer some different advice. Please click here to read it. http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/0_how-to-talk-to-your-kindergartner-about-death_67095.pc
January 30th, 2010
