The K5 - elementary education for parents

Perfectionism – How do you escape it?

I recently evaluated a student. I’ll call him “Charlie”.  Now Charlie had problems finishing things and often became frustrated and was avoiding his classroom activities.

Frequently parents and teachers might conclude that “Charlie” might be inattentive, have academic or learning difficulties or just might be lazy.  But, in fact, many times kids who are “perfectionistic” can exhibit these avoidant behaviors.

A child like Charlie could actually be trying very hard to achieve his goals.  Unfortunately, the goals he sets for himself are often just out of reach.  This is what leads him to frustration and at times avoidance.  Sometimes this could lead to anxiety and/or the child shutting down (refusal to engage in tasks).

If you think your child maybe “perfectionistic”, try these:

• It’s important to remember to reward a child’s effort, not the success.  This will encourage the child to try without fear of failure knowing that he/she will have parental support for his/her efforts.
• Remember, mistakes we make in life are part of what makes us learn.  So it’s important that your child feels comfortable trying without a fear (of failure).
• Its actually a good idea to point out mistakes you’ve made in the past, so that your child sees that it takes trial and error to get where we want to go (and that everyone makes mistakes).
• Also, it’s a good idea to tell the child when you see him/her achieve something.  Remember, we’re not trying to push them towards perfection, but rather encouraging their efforts.
• Examine the messages you send your child.  Do you expect your child to be number 1?  Sometimes unintended parental pressures set the tone for a child’s unrealistic expectations for themselves.
• Take a moment and think of your own behavior.  Do you exhibit some of these tendencies?  Sometimes, but not always, the child may pick this up from the parent.  It’s a good thing to rule this out.

J. David Carr is a school psychologist in New York City and a regular contributor to The K5. To read more about J. David, please click here.