The K5 - elementary education for parents

What is your definition of cursing?

J. David Carr is a school psychologist in New York City and a regular contributor on The K5. To read more about J. David, please click here.   

I often hear parents and teachers reprimand children for using the 4 letter “common” curse words. In fact, there is a general negative knee-jerk reaction when discussing children and cursing. The consensus seems to be that it is NOT appropriate for children to curse. While I don’t necessarily disagree, It is important to come up with a clear definition of cursing and to understand its effects.

Words used in anger break down into two categories; personal hurt words and 4-letter curse words. Personal hurt words are those said with the intention to hurt, put-down, insult or degrade someone. Examples would be “stupid”, “dumb”, “useless” or “worthless”. Using these words can hurt or damage self-esteem and self image. I consider these to be the most damaging when it comes to cursing. Of course cursing also includes your typical 4-letter curse words which are real time reactions to emotion. Sometimes the two categories are combined. The point here is to deal with hurt words as unacceptable and work towards moving from curse words to better ways to express how we feel when we feel it.

#1 how do we deal with stopping the ” personal hurt words”?

Step 1: Both parents must commit to making and following the rule that “personal hurt words” are unacceptable behavior. This rule needs to apply to the family – parents too! Without this step, we cannot continue.

Step 2: Speak to the family, talk about this rule and why its important. For example, “we as a family don’t want to use ‘personal hurt words’ because they hurt the ones we love and we don’t want to hurt each other”.

Step 3: When ‘personal hurt words’ are used, they must be dealt with immediately. For example; “You’re stupid!”… the parent response could be, “I can see that you are frustrated but we don’t use those words. Tell me why you are frustrated”. Saying this in a calm, reserved voice lowers the “”"tension”"” and shows children that their feelings are important.

#2 how do we move away from “curse words” and towards better expression of feelings?

Its my belief that ‘curse’ words are not necessarily terrible – they are a way of expressing feelings. Of course it would be better for us as adults and our children to more clearly express our feelings. The approach is the same as above, get out of the moment, speak in a calm tone and ask the child (or adult) about their feelings. Family members need to feel confident that their feelings are important and worth the time to express and resolve.

As adults it is our responsibility to teach children how to appropriately use language. It is also our responsibility to help children make pro-social choices in expressing their feelings. Each parent must look at his/her own interaction style and how they use language. Children learn best from modeling. If you would like your child to have strong self-esteem and to respect the self-esteem of other’s it is best to be a positive model.