The K5 - elementary education for parents

J. David Carr is a school psychologist in New York City and a regular contributor to The K5. To read more about J. David, please click here.

Problem: My child is acting out, not listening…

One typical complaint from parents is that their children don’t listen, they “act out”, or are non-compliant.

Reason: There can be a few reasons for this, but more often than not children feel they are not getting the time and attention they want and need.

Solution: Create real measurable “quality time”

While it is important to examine the family dynamics, interpersonal communications, and intervening factors – one strategy has been especially helpful for all families.

Overview:

For twenty minutes a day, everyday, create a consistent time where you devote the entire twenty minute period to your child alone (No TV, Phones, Computers, etc) . The twenty minute activity is dictated and controlled by your child. He/She will determine what the activity is (as long as the activity is safe and does not physically or psychologically harm anyone).

This twenty minute period cannot be used as a punishment. Your child must feel that She/He can depend on it and that it will not be taken away for “bad” behavior. Additionally, the time you spend with your child is positive, exciting and happy. It is important that you do not carry negative feeling from the day into the time you spend together.

Use an egg timer to measure the time. When the activity begins, set the timer with your child. 5 minutes before the end of the time, remind your child that the activity will be ending in 5 minutes. Repeat this again 1 minute before the time is over and again 30 seconds before the time expires. When the time expires, tell your child how much fun the activity was and that you are excited about tomorrow’s 20-minutes. At this time your child may request more time. He/She might also tantrum or whine. It is important to acknowledge His/Her feelings but not give more time. Remain clear and consistent and do not argue.

Benefits:

This take on “Quality Time” is consistent, measurable, and fun for the parent and the child. Measured “Quality time” helps to maintain the strong connection between parent and child and thus increases the possibility for communication, trust, and compassionate interactions. Because children typically crave more time with their parents, having a daily consistent, structured and happy time with child will increase the possibility of trust, bonding and future compassionate interactions and stronger communication. Children and adults derive a sense of comfort from consistency. This time will become a built-in routine.

Some Advice:

Keep the time the same everyday. If you need to change the time discuss it with your child before. Do not surprise your child with a new time. Always be consistent, fair and enthusiastic.

Try the activity consistently for one month – The results can be unbelievable.